My appointment with M today was cancelled. Whatever. I was triggered to self-harm but I didn’t do it. I guess that’s a positive thing about the situation?
It really made me feel terribly abandoned. That’s twice in a week. I’m really having issues splitting with M lately, seeing her all in “black” one second and the next seeing her in “white”. One moment I’m thinking I admire her, the next I’m thinking I hate her for cancelling appointments or making me jealous.
In spite of that, it’s been relatively calm for me since Wednesday. Apart from the fit of jealousy and today’s abandonment issues with M, I’m feeling surprisingly OK. I think I know why…
On Wednesday’s conference (see this post) I had a moment of illumination. I realized just how much of a passion I have for Psychiatry. I already knew I liked it, but I didn’t know it was so much. The case presentation that M gave inspired me so much and made me feel alive. It made me feel intellectually stimulated and exhilarated for the first time in a year. And for a depressed person, having something excite them is something special.
I’ve never disclosed on here why I like Psychiatry. Now, the reason Psychiatry interests me so much is because I want to help people like myself. It’s as simple as that. When I was younger and going through tough times, I didn’t have anyone to help me out. I want to be that person for others. I want to be there when everybody else fails you and you feel broken and left out of the world. And, honestly, what better experience to be a psychiatrist than having mental health issues yourself?
I can really feel this passion in my heart. The last time I felt something like that was in high school when I honestly thought I wanted to be a neuroscientist.
I truly am a walking dichotomy…the medical student who has mental health issues but wants to be a psychiatrist. Oh, the irony.
Here’s a Radiohead song: