Like a child

I had the strangest thing happen to me today.

I had decided on going to a psychiatry conference that was going to be held at my school today. It provoked a lot of anxiety in me, however, because I knew I would be the youngest at the conference, surrounded by medical professors and psychiatrists. However, I went.

When I got there, to my surprise, M was the speaker. It was beyond awkward seeing her there.

So, the conference was a case presentation on a 5 year old patient of M’s. I listened attentively as she spoke about the patient, talking about her history. And then she mentioned that the patient was very cute.

And I felt jealous…of a 5 year old. How pathetic am I?

The reason I felt jealous was because I suddenly felt abandoned by M. My thought process was that I was no longer a “special” patient to M, because here came this 5 year old to steal my psychiatrist. It was absolutely irrational of me, but it was what I felt.

I was thinking that the reason for which this probably happened was because I never felt special enough in my family or with other meaningful people. I always felt left out as a child, like I wasn’t important. Because I didn’t have that at home I would search for that feeling of “specialness” in other people, like teachers. I was always the straight A student because I wanted to feel special.

It even extends to the relationship with my Ex. I was thinking that I might have put up with so much for 5 years simply because he made me feel special. He gave me what I needed, and that was enough for me.

So, seeing M gush over another patient made me feel hurt. It made me feel like I wasn’t special to her, like I was just another patient. To top it all off, a Borderline patient, which many people don’t get excited about, so to speak.

I felt small and like a child again, and I didn’t like it. What if I am never able to overcome these feelings of abandonment? Will I be stuck with BPD my whole life? Will I remain like a child forever, feeling lonely and “unspecial”? I am working hard with therapy, but sometimes it’s frustrating to see that I still have borderline thoughts creeping in my mind. I feel immature and pathetic, like a 23 year old child.

As I’m typing this I’m fighting back tears and urges to self-harm, because I feel abandoned and hurt. Would M speak about me like she did about her other patient?

I don’t think so.

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