Today and yesterday have been relatively calm days for me. I was supposed to study, but as usual I’ve had trouble focusing. I’m also having constant urges to self-harm, though thankfully I haven’t done it. That’s the problem with self-harm, you want to do it in spite of being OK.
What I am is angry.
I’m really frustrated thinking about my past, my life so far. I’m in my twenties and I’ve never gone to a party. I’m in my twenties, yet I have never had a real relationship. I’m in my twenties and I feel incapable of being an adult. Hell, I’m in my twenties and depressed.
For the most part, my life as a teenager was almost miserable. I was called ugly, smelly, a bitch, a slut (behind my back, by both students and teachers). My personal favorite was being called “Ugly Betty” (who, by the way, I bear no resemblance to whatsoever). A girl can only take so much. Years and years of getting shit thrown at me caused me to have a negative self-image and next to no self-esteem. On top of that, my relationship with my mother was non-existent at that age. I missed out on a lot.
Then, at 16, I made the mistake of being with a married man twice my age. What the hell was wrong with me? I lived an obsessive life for 5 years, enraptured around this man and his life. I put his life before mine. It was 5 years of excuses, lies, and betrayal. Lost. Down the drain.
Now that I’m in med school I feel like a lifeless sludge, rotting away. My youth is being wasted away on books. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be a doctor, but it’s so difficult, sacrificing so much for a single goal.
On top of that, I’m depressed.
Damn it, I’m so angry at everything. I’m angry because I was bullied. I’m angry because I was with my Ex. I’m angry because I’m depressed. I’m angry because I have BPD. I’m angry because M didn’t call me, and because she made me feel abandoned (Do I even matter to her?!). I’m angry because I can’t go out and enjoy my youth, because every time I go out I panic thinking that my Ex’s wife is out to hunt me. Hell, I’m angry that I have to study in my room with the shades pulled down because I’m afraid of people looking at me through the window and LAUGHING at me. I’m angry because every time I say I’m interested in Psychiatry people think I’m not capable of doing it. I’m angry because I self-harm, and because I’m a lifeless sludge, because I bite my lip into oblivion, and because even taking a shower is too difficult for me at times.
There’s too much noise in my head right now.