I’m sorry about my previous post. The anger I was feeling was palpable. However, something positive must come from all the negative, which is where this post comes into play.
I had a previous therapy session with M where she told me that I have to learn to accept my past. It wasn’t until now that I finally realized what she meant.
I’ve been fortunate in the sense that I haven’t had to live through abuse (physical, sexual, etc.). However, my life is filled with situations that have eventually resulted in me being a bit of a broken person (sort of like the drop of water that makes a full glass spill over). That’s why I’m in therapy, to put the pieces together and make a person out of myself.
I’m not proud of my past, especially the relationship I had with my Ex, and I’ve directed a lot of anger inward because of it. I regret having done everything I did to be with him. I regret the damage I caused to his family. I regret the person I became. If I could take back those 5 years in exchange for a normal teenage life, I would do it in a heartbeat.
However, I have to learn to accept myself, because some things I will be able to change, but some things will never change. I can’t change my past, so I have to learn to accept it. M once told me that it is more admirable to recognize your errors and move past them than to never err at all. It is only now that those words are truly resounding in me: I made a mistake, but I regret it a thousand times. Now I still have to take a big step forward, and that is forgiving myself. There’s a quote from Grey’s Anatomy that almost makes me cry every time I read it: “You did a terrible thing. It doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person.”
I also have to learn to accept myself the way that I am, with depression and BPD and all. At least I’m working on getting better, going to therapy, taking my meds, making changes… It’s all very messy, but that’s me, and I have to accept it.
The past cannot be undone, which is why living with a bunch of “what ifs” makes no sense. Because of that, I have to live each day trying to move past all my mistakes and suffering. I know it will not be easy, but it’s worth a try.
All of this I learned on my own (with a little help from M).