Depression has really been kicking me around this week. It’s been really difficult.
First, I’ve been having a very hard time focusing in class. Second, it’s been quite difficult waking up every morning and mustering up the interest to get out of bed. But worst of all is the fact that M made me feel abandoned.
M was supposed to call me on Monday to reschedule our meeting time for this week, but she didn’t. I waited on Tuesday and she didn’t call either. Then on Wednesday I called her office, leaving a message with the secretary. She didn’t return the call. I had to call again today until finally M called me. I will not be having therapy until next Wednesday. *Sigh*
I feel left out and abandoned, small and insignificant. M said she would call on Monday, yet she didn’t keep that promise. My irrational brain cannot cope with that. And that’s why I cut, multiple times. I also had trouble with my appetite, eating smaller portions. I feel like such a failure when it comes to recovery, and I feel like M doesn’t care much about me.
I’ve also been having suicidal thoughts. I can feel myself falling further into the hole of darkness.
When will all this pain end? How can a minor setback like M not calling me affect me to such extent that I self-harm? I’m tired of myself. I feel pathetic.
To top it all off, I feel my career is going nowhere. I did so well in med school in first year in spite of depression, but now in second year I feel like an absolute failure. I feel like I can’t keep up and I feel stupid. I dream of becoming a doctor someday, helping people like myself, yet I feel I’m screwing up my dream as I speak.
I’m sorry about all the negativity lately. I really need help, and I feel my resources are running low. And M letting me down like that really hit me hard. I really needed her help this week.
I’m tired of the pain.
(Here’s a sad song by Sia)