The List

In my last therapy session, M asked me to write down what I honestly think about myself. I told her most of it would be negative things. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. I already wrote down a partial list of adjectives and phrases, and lo and behold, everything on the list is negative. I couldn’t come up with any positives. Here’s the list:

Ugly
Immature
A failure
A girl
An embarrassment to my family
Disposable
Without personality
Easy to fool
Evil
Ridiculous
Pathetic
Not worth it
Ingenuous
Boring
Waste of space
Weak
Insignificant

It honestly surprised me how everything on the list is negative. However, ever since I can remember, I’ve had a negative concept of myself. Now that I’m depressed, it’s even worse, and these past few days have been especially difficult for me to see any positives in myself.

It’s incredible how much of the list has been determined by all the times I’ve been invalidated and bullied. Plus, the relationship I had with my ex only made matters worse. Because he was married and much older, I felt myself to be some sort of evil person intervening in his family’s life. I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of forgiving myself for that.

I remember when I was with my ex, I used to have a more positive image of myself. He made me feel beautiful. However, all that is gone now, and what’s left is the sludge that depression has created. It makes me panic whenever I think of the possibility of never having a positive image of myself again. Even more so, it makes me panic when I think that the only way I can have a positive concept of myself is being with a man. 

I’ll keep you posted on how the list progresses and what M tells me about it in this week’s therapy session. In the meantime, I think it’s a good exercise for anyone with BPD, seeing as we tend to have a negative self-image and lack of a sense of self.

Let’s see what happens.

PS: I haven’t been doing very good these past few days. It’s all really difficult. I’ve been sleeping a lot and wasting my time. I think not being able to do the partial hospitalization was really a low blow. I feel like a failure, and I feel like my career is going nowhere. I’m afraid of losing everything.

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