Yesterday was a really difficult day. Really, the whole week has been difficult.
First off, my insurance didn’t approve the partial hospitalization. So, that’s that. I guess I’m not “sick enough”. I feel like a dumbass.
Yesterday I felt very triggered and just overall sad. I felt heavy, numb, and useless. Even more so after receiving the call from the hospital saying my insurance didn’t want me there. On top of that, classes were terrible, I think it was “crappy professor day”. The rest of the day was simply too much to bear. I could barely hold myself up, couldn’t study, or focus on anything for that matter. The hardest part, as usual, was keeping a straight face or smiling with my med school friends.
In spite of all this, I had a very productive therapy session with M.
M always says that when we have questions, if we don’t receive an answer, we’ll answer it ourselves, even if it’s not the right answer. Let me explain with an example….When I was little my mom always said other girls in my school were pretty, but she never said I was pretty. So, I asked myself: “Why doesn’t mom say I’m pretty?” Because I never received an answer for this question, my brain came up with the answer on its own: “It must mean I’m ugly.” It wasn’t necessarily the right answer, but it was an answer. To make matters worse, the answer that my brain came up with stemmed from years of bullying (I was called ugly too many times to count). This resulted in me having a negative concept of myself.
Then, I started being a perfectionist and demanding with myself to make up for that negative concept. In other words, I tried making up for the negative concept by being a straight A student. However, being a perfectionist will never work out because I will always have this negative concept of myself, so I’ll never be satisfied.
So, M says I have to learn to have a more positive concept of my past and of my mistakes. She said it is more valuable and admirable to recognize your errors than to never err at all.
It was really an eye-opening session. Unfortunately, though, I don’t have her exact words.