Sleep and other things

All I want to do is sleep. Go figure.

All I did today was pretty much sleep. Other than that, I just listened to the recordings of today’s lectures. Suffice to say, I didn’t go to lecture. I gave it a try, though. Thing is, I was supposed to see M today, but she cancelled and moved our appointment for Thursday, so I ended up going to lecture. I sat there for about 20 minutes and couldn’t take it anymore. I closed my laptop, picked up my things, and left.

Why sleep? Whenever I start noticing changes in my sleeping patterns I know I’m back in the hole. One of the symptoms of depression is disturbances in sleeping pattern, either insomnia or sleeping too much. I suffer from the latter. I sleep perfectly fine during the night, then during the day I’m so drained of energy and devoid of interest that I also sleep. So, a huge part of my day is spent in bed (unless I go to class).

I sleep because the only thing that can comfort me is my bed. It calms me down, makes me feel safe. Sleeping takes away the day’s worries, the sadness, the heaviness. It’s a way of escaping reality. Then, unfortunately, when you wake up, you realize you’re still in this life, you’re still depressed.

On a lighter note, as opposed to the depression, my BPD seems to be relatively under control lately. Except for self-harming a bit these last few days and feeling abandoned by M, my emotions haven’t been all over the place for quite a while. I’ve just been….depressed, and in the hole.

I didn’t receive a call today from the hospital about my partial hospitalization, so that means my insurance still hasn’t decided whether or not they’ll cover it. It angers me, really, because I feel completely powerless when it comes to my mental health right now. Plus, the partial hospitalization clashes with my med school program, so I have to know ASAP whether or not they’ll cover me.

Honestly, it’s been a difficult day. I’ve felt very lonely, powerless, and useless.

I wish somebody would comment on this: How do you know you’re in the hole again?

1 comment
  1. F68.10 said:

    After so many hospitalisations triggered by my mother, the day I knew I really was screwed up was when I noticed I felt worse when I woke up than when I went to bed.
    That’s all because of the helplessness I felt dealing against all the false accusations that were noted in my psychiatric records. That day I understood that the mental cage I am locked in will never be open again. Psychiatry will keep the keys…
    It’s been five years of utter despair and hopelessness. Something way beyond depression. Working day after day in silent anguish as work is the only thing I have left in life and that provides me a most weak protection against my mother. Asymptomatic torment for five years whith vivid nightmares of all the psychiatric abuse, handcuffs and motherly splitting. And no right to complain. Because psychiatry is the Good and I’m the Bad. With capital letters.
    It’s been one month or two that I’m feeling OK once or twice a month. That’s usually the day following the evening where I went to the psychiatric emergency room and issued death threats to any psychiatrists who would dare to lock me up again based on my psychiatrist-mother’s accusations.
    That’s the only days I feel better when I wake than when I go to sleep.
    But I know I’m pigeon holed for good and that there’s no hope of growing out of that cage. Screwed for good. Asking for euthanasia. Which is a relieving thought. Allows me to get some sleep and putting MDs in front of their responsibilities.
    I’m so sad we do not have the death penalty in my country. I’d volunteer with a smile, if only for the show it would put on. I’m way too much a coward to make a suicide attempt. Never made any, nor did I ever self harmed, but I’m not brave enough to jump off a bridge. Wish I had the courage… but that’s bloody wishful thinking. I’ll dream of it instead… When I’ll go back to sleep.
    Feeling exhausted again, now.


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