All I want to do is sleep. Go figure.
All I did today was pretty much sleep. Other than that, I just listened to the recordings of today’s lectures. Suffice to say, I didn’t go to lecture. I gave it a try, though. Thing is, I was supposed to see M today, but she cancelled and moved our appointment for Thursday, so I ended up going to lecture. I sat there for about 20 minutes and couldn’t take it anymore. I closed my laptop, picked up my things, and left.
Why sleep? Whenever I start noticing changes in my sleeping patterns I know I’m back in the hole. One of the symptoms of depression is disturbances in sleeping pattern, either insomnia or sleeping too much. I suffer from the latter. I sleep perfectly fine during the night, then during the day I’m so drained of energy and devoid of interest that I also sleep. So, a huge part of my day is spent in bed (unless I go to class).
I sleep because the only thing that can comfort me is my bed. It calms me down, makes me feel safe. Sleeping takes away the day’s worries, the sadness, the heaviness. It’s a way of escaping reality. Then, unfortunately, when you wake up, you realize you’re still in this life, you’re still depressed.
On a lighter note, as opposed to the depression, my BPD seems to be relatively under control lately. Except for self-harming a bit these last few days and feeling abandoned by M, my emotions haven’t been all over the place for quite a while. I’ve just been….depressed, and in the hole.
I didn’t receive a call today from the hospital about my partial hospitalization, so that means my insurance still hasn’t decided whether or not they’ll cover it. It angers me, really, because I feel completely powerless when it comes to my mental health right now. Plus, the partial hospitalization clashes with my med school program, so I have to know ASAP whether or not they’ll cover me.
Honestly, it’s been a difficult day. I’ve felt very lonely, powerless, and useless.
I wish somebody would comment on this: How do you know you’re in the hole again?