Bittersweet

I feel like a dumbass. But I feel fine, really, I do. Sort of. I think?

I had my test today, the one on abdomen and gastroenterology. I think I failed it. *Sigh* I have no idea where my career is headed right now. I’m afraid, afraid of losing everything. But, somehow, something tells me I won’t. Something just keeps my hopes up thinking that this shall pass, that it’s just a challenge, a test in and of itself. Medicine is definitely not easy, but it’s a thousand times harder when you’re battling your own demons.

So, after the test I felt like a complete dumbass, devoid of morale, like a failure. 

I then went to the initial evaluation for the partial hospitalization. There, I met with a social worker who gave me a bunch of papers to fill out. She then proceeded to ask me a series of questions about my history, my family, my illness…so on and so forth.

When she finished she told me that my health insurance would review my case and decide whether they would cover the hospitalization or not. Cue the second moment of the day when I felt like a complete dumbass. I honestly thought that I would begin the partial hospitalization today or tomorrow. I was not prepared to be told of the possibility of not being able to do the partial hospitalization.

Somehow, I’m not very hopeful about the partial hospitalization. Something tells me that with my luck, my insurance won’t cover it and I won’t be able to do it.

In spite of all this, I’m feeling relatively OK, which is where the title of this post comes into play. I think it has a lot to do with it being a test day, so there’s no pressure to study or work. However, I’m afraid of whether or not I deserve this partial hospitalization. What if it’s a sign that I’m getting better as I speak? Would I then be potentially taking up someone else’s space at this program?

There’s a lot of questions floating around my brain right now.

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