Broken

I had my first appointment with M yesterday since Christmas break. I broke down crying hysterically mid appointment. I felt absolutely broken, shattered, and destroyed.

M suggested a partial hospitalization. However, I said no because it’s difficult for me to fit it into my schedule. Still, I regret telling her no because my health should be first and foremost, instead of medical school. I’m tired of always thinking I’m not priority. It shouldn’t be that way. So, instead, M gave me another appointment for this week, on Friday, as follow-up. I’ll ask her about the partial hospitalization again and if it’s still an option. It’s time I took responsibility for myself and my health.

The most important topic we discussed during the session was the fact that I don’t allow myself to feel emotions. I restrain myself, restrict what’s boiling inside, whether it be positive emotions or negative emotions. Even during most of the session I was trying to hold down the urge to cry. M asked me why I do this, why I don’t allow myself to feel. I was clueless. It’s always been this way, since I was young.

M also asked me whether I had experimented happiness before like I did in country X with my sister. I told her no, and that’s when I broke down crying. I told her I was tired of the suffering, the pain, and how pointless it was. I was just tired of everything, desperate and frustrated. I’m not used to feeling happiness for prolonged periods of time, so having that during Christmas break was the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.

So, finally, M gave me an assignment for Friday. I have to think about why I restrict myself emotionally here at home, and why I didn’t do it in country X. What is so specific to this place (home) that I can’t express myself freely? There is something intrinsic to this place that doesn’t allow me to just be me.

About medical school, I haven’t gone to lecture a single day since class started. I’m afraid of having suicidal thoughts as soon as I step inside the amphitheater at school. In spite of the pain I feel, I’m not suicidal right now. Yet, I’m afraid I’ll have invasive thoughts were I to go to lecture.¬†

I honestly have no idea where my life is headed right now.

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