I think I’m back in the hole. All I can manage to do is sleep and drown my feelings in food. I can’t study. I can’t move. I can’t do anything. Medical school has taken away what little life I had. I’ve spent the whole day pretending to study, while in reality all I’ve done is sleep and log into facebook or my email. I’m constantly hoping something will happen to take away the pain.
Today my mom suggested I do exercise to help with my depression. I can’t, and I don’t want to either. All I wanted was a hug, mom, yet all you can manage to do is suggest exercise?
I’m also constantly fearing I’ll fail Step 1. I haven’t begun to study for it, but it’s constantly in my head. I can’t get myself to study the regular lecture material, let alone material for Step 1.
Tomorrow I have my first appointment with M since Christmas break. Secretly, I’m hoping she’ll think I’m so destroyed that I need hospitalization. If I were to be hospitalized, it would be a way to escape reality. That’s why I sort of welcome it.
I’m just absolutely destroyed. I miss my sister. I miss country X. I miss everything. Yet I’m here, back to being miserable, back to not having a life, back to wanting to cry, sleep, eat constantly. I’ve lost interest in everything and I can feel the heaviness in my body, the bone-shattering weight that keeps me drowned. I can feel it in my hands, in my gut, even in my toes. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everything.
I wish somebody would comment on this. I’m desperate.
I want my life back.