I’m still having a very difficult time. I finally got around to begin studying today, but I’m in denial. It’s all too difficult to deal with, my emotions. So, I’m shutting off, going into zombie mode and becoming emotionless just so I can manage studying and surviving medical school. Still, I spent most of my day today sleeping, and I’m still tired.
In other matters, I thought I would post a bit about my mother. She’s an interesting person, indeed. My mom was raised by alcoholic parents. She has one sister, with whom she does not get along with and who, due to an argument, I stopped seeing for 12 years of my life. Only recently did I see my aunt again.
Mom studied medicine. She’s an MD. However, she realized midway through medical school that she didn’t like medicine after all. She gave classes in college for a few years, but later gave up the job in favor of raising her children.
My mom is bitter. She hates her life and has made it quite clear in front of me and my brother and sisters. She always made us swear not to stay jobless and make the same mistake that she made. If you ask my mom how she’s doing, a typical response would be: “Same shit, different day”.
Living with mom is not easy. She can be the sweetest person one second, and become the most bitter, resentful, and hurtful person the next. Being around her can be like walking in a minefield with clunky shoes. She argues over the tiniest things and snaps at you at the most unexpected moments. It can feel like getting drenched with a bucket of cold water sometimes. It’s a constant push-pull with her.
I live in constant fear of becoming my mother. My sister, MM, also lives with this constant fear. It’s sad how some people are able to say they want to be like their mothers, but I can’t say the same, ever. It’s one of the reasons I hesitated so much before deciding to apply to medical school. It’s also another reason for which I fear realizing at some point that medicine might not be for me after all.
I think one of the reasons my mom is so bitter is because she probably doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions. She keeps that kind of information to herself. She doesn’t talk with me about herself. Mostly, things are superficial with her, and when she does go deeper, it becomes too awkward to handle. Another reason for her bitterness is her low self-esteem. It shatters her, I can tell, and you feel pretty powerless trying to convince her otherwise.
My mom is an enigma. I don’t think I’ll ever understand her fully.