Back home

I’m in a rut.

I got back home yesterday and already today I began classes. I hated it. It was that terrible.

I had such a great time with my sister in country X that I simply didn’t want to come back home. I was fearing this would happen. I got a taste of happiness, and now I’m back in misery.

All day I’ve been thinking about whether I should take a leave of absence or quit medical school altogether. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I’m in my twenties and I hate my life. It’s sad. I’m sad. And I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting and ignoring the thoughts that maybe medical school is to blame for my misery. Right now, I have no goals whatsoever. I want to do nothing with my life. I’d rather rot away sleeping forever. Not even Psychiatry interests me right now, only my bed.

The problem is I realized during my stay in country X that medicine has the ability of tying you down to the country where you studied. In my case, that would be the US. I honestly do not want to be stuck in the US for the rest of my life. I want to travel, meet new people, live in a foreign country. I feel I can’t do this if I were to become a doctor, simply because it’s really complicated to practice in other places. Thus, I feel stuck to this place. Forever.

I feel medicine is trying to fit me into this teeny weeny box and I’m fighting it with every drop of blood in my veins. It’s trying to take away my uniqueness and creativity, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to be like all the other people, I want to be me.

I’m also tired of studying so much crap I’m not remotely interested in. My life consists of studying things I couldn’t possibly find the strength to consider interesting. I’m tired of it.

All this time I’ve been fighting the thoughts, trying to blame my depression on something else, but I think it’s all clear now. My depression is due to medical school. Period. There’s no other reason. My mind and soul can’t handle medical school right now.

I’m sorry for all the negativity. I’m having a very difficult time right now and I can’t see how things can get better from here. I barely began classes today, how the hell am I supposed to study my way through this semester and survive? How the hell am I supposed to study for Step 1? (which, by the way, I’ll be taking on June 29th of this year). Do I have the strength for this? Can I handle all of this? I’m tired. My body aches, my bones hurt, and I’m teary-eyed. The pain is just too much to handle right now.

I’m in a rut.

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