I met a guy…

…and it’s impossible to have a relationship, or anything for that matter, with him. Story of my life.

This guy is a friend of my sister’s boyfriend. I met him for only 2 days and I already became infatuated with him. He’s from country X, speaks only a little English, and I don’t speak the language from country X. Yet, I could feel something “click”. Now all I do is think about this person and daydream. It’s something that terribly embarrasses me and I believe it has a lot to do with BPD.

You see, the last time this happened was when I initially became infatuated with my ex-boyfriend. I became obsessed and constantly thought about him, and made sure he saw me as  much as possible. The worst part was that I slowly became my ex-boyfriend almost. Let me explain…I started liking the same things he liked, started doing the same things he did. For example, my ex-boyfriend was a fan of Formula 1 races, so I became a fan of Formula 1 races. Now that he’s gone, I couldn’t care less about Formula 1.

What worries me about this guy I met is that I’m noticing exactly the same behaviors in me. I’ve become interested in the music he likes, I’ve already seen videos on motocross because he likes motocross, I’ve thought about Japanese culture simply because he likes it. It scares me, I scare myself, I hate it. It’s like I lose sense of who I am. But the problem is that I don’t know who I am to begin with. 2012 was a journey to learn more about myself, yet I still feel rooted in square one and have no idea who I am.  

Also, something that really pisses me off about myself is that I keep thinking about what I could be for this person. Yet, I never think about what this person could be for me. Again, the same thing happened with my ex-boyfriend. I almost morphed into my ex-boyfriend and also lost sense of myself, stopped taking care of myself. It was all about him.

Now, the way I think this relates to BPD is that one of the criteria for BPD is lack of a sense of self. We’re known to morph into other people simply to keep them close and not feel abandoned. We’re like chameleons. A chameleon, yes. That’s exactly the word I was looking for. In my case, whenever I meet a person with whom I could potentially have a relationship, I change colors to match that person’s, just so I can keep that person in my life.

But of course, this never works out. Eventually you start realizing things aren’t going as you planned in your head, and you start demonizing the person you’re with. You start to hate who you’ve become and do every possible thing to push that person away. Then that person gets tired of your demonizing ways and you feel abandoned, so you pull back just so you won’t feel abandonment. Push-pull-push-pull-push-pull….constantly. Again, this happened with my ex-boyfriend.

So, finally, I know I have to forget about this guy I met. But it hurts. I know I’m not ready to have a real relationship. But it hurts so much to meet someone and know you’re compatible, yet not be able to have a relationship simply because of a language barrier (and a personality disorder).

I don’t know. It all makes me so sad. Makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to hold a stable, real relationship with someone. Makes me think I’m pathetic and all I can manage is an extramarital affair (my ex-boyfriend).

I’m not feeling very well right now.

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