My vacations here in country X have truly been a blessing. I’m sorry I haven’t posted since Christmas, I promise things will get back to normal once I’m back home. Now, onto the gritty stuff…

2012 has been quite a roller coaster for me. I’ve been depressed all year and diagnosed with BPD. I started meds, struggled with self-harm, had a disastrous summer internship, felt like a zombie/robot for what seems like an eternity, and finally have had moments where I thought I’ve been getting better. Time has become warped for me since becoming depressed, however this year has gone by unexpectedly fast. I’ve sometimes thought it’s because I’ve been so immersed in my personal struggles that I just haven’t focused on other things. I’ve also thought it’s because of feeling like a zombie/robot for so long. I’ve been on auto-pilot for quite a while now, every day is lather, rinse, repeat and I feel emotionless and fake.

I was talking with my sister yesterday about these struggles, about how I’m already dreading going back home and going back to all the bullshit and doing the same thing every day (go to class, study). I’m tired of it all. It takes a toll on me, especially considering I welcome change and doing spontaneous things like outings outdoors and traveling. Med school really doesn’t change, it’s all the same constantly, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the people, I’m tired of the classes, the tests, the studying. I feel like I’m wasting away the prime of my life, and for what? I know, I know, to achieve my goal of being a Psychiatrist. But, right now, I’m frustrated, and I simply feel like doing nothing with my life.

So my sister suggested a leave of absence so I can focus on myself, travel and do things I like and simply take a break. But I’m afraid about how it will affect my career. Yet I think I should definitely give it at least a bit of thought. I really do want to get better.

Like I said, I really don’t want to go back home. I wish I were one of those people who simply buys a ticket to a random place in the world and decides to live there and build a home. It’s a sign of how much I like to escape. I’m constantly searching for ways to escape from the reality of my life. Visiting my sister is an example. Deciding to be with my ex-boyfriend is also another example. I’m afraid of facing the reality of my life, how sad is that? I’m afraid of realizing it’s all a pile of bullshit.

Enough rambling. I guess the end of the year brought with it a reflexive side to me. I’m bitter. I’m sorry.

Like I said in my previous post, I stopped taking my meds for about 5 days accidentally. Fortunately, nothing happened, only a bunch of what I like to call “brain zaps” every now and again. However, it made me ask myself the question of whether I truly am better on meds. Up until now I hadn’t questioned that, but now it’s drilling at my brain…

OK, that’s enough for now. I promise things will be back to normal once I get back home on the 10th.

Have a happy New Year…


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