I’m at my sister’s apartment now (MM). It was a bit of an adventure getting here, but I made it all on my own! It was a pain trying to manage the anxiety, thankfully everything went smoothly.
It’s all been OK up until now. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when passing through security in the airport and then when arriving at my final destination. Airports just have this insane ability of giving me terrible anxiety, and even more when I have to travel alone. I start to tremble and sweat, and I get red splotches all over my chest, face, and neck. Ironically, I calm down once I get in the airplane.
So, depression-wise I’ve been OK, nothing new. BPD-wise also. What’s been giving me problems is anxiety. Right now my sister went to work and I can’t go outside on my own to explore the city because of the anxiety. Even though I don’t feel like going out right now because of the jet lag, it worries me a bit.
Yesterday I had a moment when I became desperate and thought I was going to cry. My sister was telling me how I would have to go out on my own some days because she doesn’t have the means to accompany me to every tourist place here. She could tell I was anxious as soon as she told me, and she said I just have to be brave and adventurous and go out on my own. Boy, I wish it were that easy. If only I didn’t feel everyone is looking at me and I didn’t get all hot and splotchy and desperate, like a caged animal (literally, I feel caged inside my body when I get anxious).
Thankfully, she apologized today. She told me she was sorry because she’s well aware of my anxiety problems and that she just wants me to enjoy it here. She also told me she can make an effort to go to certain places with me. In the end, she just genuinely wants me to have a good time. And I want to have a good time too, and have some bonding time with her. I just hope things go well. I don’t want to end up so frozen with fear that I waste my time here trapped inside the apartment, like I spent my time this summer in my internship. I’m terribly afraid of that happening again.
Honestly, I highly doubt my anxiety is sufficient to warrant a diagnosis. However, it really annoys me. I’m young, I want to live my life. Yet I feel trapped inside my body and inside my home sometimes because I can’t do things on my own. I depend on other people to be calm and collected and able to interact with strangers if it were needed. Otherwise, I feel people stare at me or look at me through the windows, and I get terribly nervous and I freeze. I feel like a walking circus, everybody looking at me. Even though that’s obviously not true, try convincing my irrational brain of it.
Someday I’ll be able to do things on my own and feel like an adult living my life. In the meantime, I guess I just have to work on it. As painful as it sounds, I know I have to. I can’t live my life like this. I don’t want to.
About med school…my test on Wednesday was sort of OK I guess. I think I’m just barely passing the class I was worried about, so at least I’m passing. Let’s see what happens. I really don’t want this small blip to mess up my career. It’s been difficult studying with the depression, but so far I’ve been able to survive somehow. That must mean something, right?