I took my test today. Don’t know what to say. What’s done is done. Let’s see what happens now. The good thing is, I’m officially 37.5% a doctor! It’s been quite a journey up until now.
Right now I’m just relaxing and doing some last minute things before I leave for my flight.
Yesterday I had my appointment with M. It was a good one. It really relaxes me how comfortable we’ve become with each other and how much she knows me. At the same time, sometimes it makes me nervous to know it’s such a one-sided relationship. It worries me what she could do to me with all that she knows about my life. But, of course, that’s my BPD talking. Hopefully, someday I’ll be able to shake off that inkling that something might go wrong or that she might do harm to me. It’s all part of recovery and of learning to manage BPD.
Like I said, the appointment was good. She told me that my support system is growing, now that my brother also knows about my depression and BPD. We also talked about my fear of recovery, and my recent stress and how it’s been affecting me. However, what resonated with me the most was that she told me to enjoy my trip to visit my sister. For some reason she really struck me when she said that. You see, I was kind of getting cold feet these last few days. The stress was really affecting me and I wasn’t feeling strong enough or brave enough to go on my own to visit my sister. Still, when M told me to please allow myself to enjoy this vacation and to enjoy the fact that I’ll be with someone who loves me and is a pillar of support for me, well, it really resounded in me. I can’t explain it. M really knows me, she knows exactly what to say. It’s incredible.
So, my goal for the next weeks is to enjoy life.
PS: Sorry this post is so short. I have to finish packing my things and getting ready! In the meantime, I’ll leave you a little song by Radiohead….