Fork in the road

I cried yesterday for the first time in months.

Yes, months.

I was so stressed that I just ended up bawling my eyes out in front of my family. I was thinking about my career, and how this coming test has the potential to break it. It’s absolutely unnatural of me to cry in front of my family, but I guess I was just too overwhelmed. I was talking with my mom about the test, and because she was practically ignoring me I became desperate and out of nowhere started crying.

Ironically, it was a positive way of dealing with the stress, I guess. Instead of self-harming or getting any other ideas in my head, I cried and let my emotions be free. It was refreshing, yet embarrassing.

I hadn’t cried in months because of the depression. Somehow, some physiological process happened in my body/mind that I just didn’t have the capacity to cry. All I could muster was my eyes watering and that was it. I became numb and devoid of any feelings whatsoever. And, really, feeling nothing or not being able to cry is worse than having feelings. You feel like mush, like an empty shell, like a walking piece of nothing, almost devoid of your “human-ness”.

However, something that keeps running through my mind now is the possibility that I might, after all, be recovering. Crying, to me, is hard evidence of recovery. Sadly, I don’t know how to feel about that. I know deep down I want to get better, but am I ready to let go of the pain? It’s been a while that I’ve been thinking things have been getting better, but I’ve been trying to ignore the thought. I’ve kept pushing it to the back of my mind and focusing on what’s on hand at the moment.

I guess it’s time to stop ignoring the thought. It’s time to decide whether I want recovery or not.

My BPD is fighting like a 2 year old.


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