OK, I…am…so…stressed. I think there will be some ranting in this post, so I apologize in advance!
I just got home from a review class for my coming test. Boy, was that torture. I had never felt so…stupid…in my life. To top it all off, the gunners in my class were showing off for the professor, further increasing my stress. The problem is, I really need to pass this coming test. If I don’t, then…then I don’t know what will happen with my career in medicine 😦
I’ve never managed stress very well. Ever since I was young I’ve always had problems managing anxiety and stress. It’s like I can feel the whole world coming together against me and all I can do is crouch down low and hope things go fine. It’s like my brain goes haywire. It goes so far as triggering me to self-harm. Right now I’m very triggered, but so far I’ve let the urge pass.
To make things worse, I’m also experiencing a lot of stress because of my Christmas vacations (which I’ll be spending in country X). I spoke with my sister, MM, yesterday, and she told me I have to take a bus from the airport to the city where she lives. I could feel the stress pumping through my veins when she said that. I get very anxious when I have to do things on my own. To top it all off, I don’t know the language from country X, so I’ll be irrevocably on my own. First a 5 hour layover, now a bus…I don’t know what little anxious me will do.
Still, in spite of the stress, I’ve been relatively OK depression-wise. You might be thinking that’s good, but it’s not in my case. It means I’m so stressed that I’ve blocked myself from feeling anything. You see, when I’m stressed that’s what I do, I block everything. I literally turn into a robot. It might sound like it’s a good thing, not letting myself feel anything, but all those feelings eventually explode through the first hole they can find. That’s where self-harm usually comes by. And that’s why I’m so triggered right now. Eventually, the stress blocks my thought processes and I turn into a (barely) breathing mush.
Changing the subject, I had an argument yesterday with my mother. My mother can be quite insensitive at times when it comes to mental illness, and yesterday I felt that way. She was talking about the tragedy in Connecticut and how the shooter was probably “a crazy person” with “mental health issues”. I felt offended because, even if the shooter was most probably disturbed in some way, it still felt like she was stigmatizing mental illness. So, I responded to her, “Then am I a ‘crazy person’?”. She was awestruck, didn’t know what to answer.
It really, pardon my French, pisses me off whenever she says things like that. I mean, I love my mother dearly, but she just has to learn to take others into consideration sometimes. One time, we were talking about my Zoloft and Abilify, and she said: “Why don’t you cure yourself of that depression already? Those meds are too expensive”. Honestly? The Zoloft is relatively inexpensive as I use generic, and the Abilify is expensive but it’s pretty much covered by insurance (thankfully).
My mother is…special, to say the least.
So, that’s that for now. Let’s see if I can manage this stress…somehow.