It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

So, yesterday was a relatively OK day. The only problem I encountered was –possible trigger– that I was thinking about overdosing and at that precise moment the professor giving lecture presented a case on a patient who overdosed. I was very triggered for a while after that.

I woke up in a not so good mood yesterday though, wasn’t really feeling up to it depression-wise. But things got better as the day progressed. Like the Beatles’ song, it got better with a little help from my friends. I honestly hate how much your mood changes when you’ve got BPD. It’s like a fast-forward version of bipolar. OK, enough complaining.

The biggest problem I’ve been encountering this week is stress. My coming test is really freaking me out. I was even triggered to self-harm two days ago (fortunately I didn’t). Another reason for my stress is….USMLE Step 1. Yeah, such an itty bitty detail.

So the Step 1 is pretty much the first in a series of board exams med students in the US have to take. Without this test, I can’t pass to third year of med school. I’m taking it next summer and I’m already freaking out. It also worries me how depression will affect my ability to study. I’m having a hard time studying already, I honestly don’t know how I’ll  fare studying for the Step.

By the way, studying has also been difficult what with all the distractions related to my Christmas vacations. I’m just so excited I will be visiting my sister and her boyfriend. The last time I saw them was January. My sister is a big source of support for me, she was the first in my family who I told I was depressed and had BPD. It has really helped us bond a lot, surprisingly. And her boyfriend is really the sweetest, funniest guy. He loves Krispy Kreme donuts so I’ll be getting those for him seeing as they don’t have them in his country. Yeah, I’ll be in good hands (but I still worry a little about how I’ll be mood-wise). 

On a more serious note, I just had suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm a while ago. It all happened because I was having dinner with my family and out of nowhere I just felt this terrible emptiness, this darkness that kind of just surrounded me. I felt out of it. Literally one minute I was being jolly and spontaneous, and the next I was lethargic and suicidal. You see, I’ve got problems accepting the good things in life. Whenever I have a happy moment I question why I’m feeling that way. I think it has to do with being bullied in the past. I remember being bullied at times when I was happy, like winning competitions, or just being myself. I guess I was conditioned to think I wasn’t supposed to be happy. So, right now, I’m not that well. The temptation to sleep and just rot away is quite palpable. 

I wonder if anybody’s actually reading this.


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