I have a story to tell.
I haven’t written it up until now because I fear losing anonymity, but here goes…
If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know I had a bad relationship that ended just a year ago. It took me 5 years to realize that all this guy wanted was sex. I had given him my everything, unfortunately.
I was a teenager when we met and he was twice my age. He was married. I thought I was in love, and in my little teenage/immature head I thought love could trump all. He was caring, he showed he loved me. But he made promises he couldn’t keep, like divorcing his wife to be with me. Still, we kept at it.
As I grew and matured, I realized I was just a girl when I met him. I thought I was a woman…oh, how wrong I was. I realized how everything I did was absolutely and irrevocably wrong. I felt more and more evil as the days went by. I felt like a nasty piece of human, like some disgusting mutant. Deep down I wanted to end the relationship, but out of fear of the unknown I didn’t do it until it was absolutely necessary. Also, I was very immature and thought I couldn’t have a life without this person.
This man also had abusive tendencies. He was very jealous, he made fun of my male friends, he made me feel stupid at times, complained whenever I went out with friends, and made me feel like I was always the problem. He would manipulate me and eventually, he destroyed me. I would put off outings with friends because of him, and also outings with family. He controlled me like a puppet. Plus, all he wanted, like I said previously, was sex. I remember how at the beginning of the relationship he would tell me “I need you”, then, after a few years, it turned into “I need you in all the senses” (if you know what I mean). It became lather, rinse, repeat. We would have sex, he would take a shower, and then he’d want to leave his house to drop me off.
I was a girl. I was just a girl. A child. He took advantage of me. I was so naive and thought everything would turn out like a perfect little love story. Now, years later, I feel like both a victim and a criminal. I know nothing could possibly take away what I did, but I regret it all. It was 5 years of my life, wasted. Because of him, I still feel like a teenager most of the time; underdeveloped, naive, and immature. I didn’t go to parties, I didn’t make friends, and I practically also lost my best friend because of him.
My mental health also deteriorated all throughout this relationship. I was depressed before I was with him, and then things got worse as the relationship progressed. I also had issues with paranoia and anxiety, constantly. I always thought random people were watching me or talking about me and knew our secret. When I would tell him about this, he would just shrug it off and say I was being dramatic.
He screwed me up.
But, I’ve grown to be stronger. I’m now my own person, building a life from the rubble.