Numb

Woke up early to go to class, but that didn’t happen. Stayed sleeping in and barely woke up just now. I’ve been having trouble lately. Been feeling very numb and having trouble with suicidal thoughts.

About med school. There’s this prevailing attitude in med school that lecture is a waste of time. 95% of the time it is, or at least that’s my experience. Plus, a lot of schools have note taking services, or class streaming, making it harder to leave the comfort of your bed for a cold amphitheater.

The reason I force myself all the time to go to lecture is simple. I can’t, or shouldn’t, indulge in not going. Depression has taken away any drive to study or do anything besides sleeping. So, going to lecture is a way for me to force myself to study and keep up. Plus, I can interact with friends, which distracts me from the darkness in my mind for a while.

Changing subjects, it’s been quite difficult these past few days BPD-wise also. Like I said previously, my appointment this week was cancelled. Because of that I’ve been having trouble feeling abandoned. I feel my doctor forgot abut me and doesn’t care about me, further validating my belief that I am worthless and disposable. This only serves to worsen my already constant suicidal thoughts, which, by the way, I’m desperate to tell her about.

I’m tired of having constant thoughts about how to do it. They’ve become invasive. I don’t have to feel miserable to have suicidal thoughts, they can come at any moment. The strange part is, I’m not even at the worst of my depression right now.

I wonder constantly whether I’m supposed to live like this for the rest of my life.

I’m really out of it.

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