The appointment I was supposed to have with my psychiatrist tomorrow was cancelled.
I’m trying not to think about it too much. My irrational brain is trying to convince my rational brain that I’ve been abandoned and she’s forgotten about me. I’m trying to fight the feeling for the sake of not getting too triggered…to no avail.
In a twisted sense, I want to get triggered to self-harm. It all has to do with not being able to feel much these last few days. I’ve been very numb, and I’m getting desperate to feel anything, even if it’s pain. Also, I’m afraid I might be substituting one form of self-harm for another. I was very triggered this weekend and I ended up repeatedly snapping a rubber band against my arm so hard that I got a bruise. Again, in a twisted sense, I liked it, to be able to see and feel something, even if it’s pain.
Today has been an OK day until now, at least. I woke up numb and felt very distant and a bit triggered all throughout the morning. I then had lunch with my brother and we talked about my depression. It was awkward, but not as awkward as it would have been had I not been in therapy. Let me explain…my family is, in general, quite emotionally inept. Thus, I’m not used to talking with them about my personal issues, aside from the walls I myself have put up. Because of this, initially in therapy it was hard to talk about anything with my psychiatrist. She used to tell me her office was my space to “practice” how to talk with others about my personal issues, including my family. So, had I not been in therapy, it would have been a thousand times more awkward to talk with my brother today. But it wasn’t. And I’m glad it wasn’t. It means progress.
We talked about what has triggered my depression, about having Borderline Personality Disorder, about our family, and, finally, about having suicidal thoughts. He was very calm and talkative, not at all quiet and emotionally inept, which gave me a whole lot of relief. He told me he loved me and I was very special to him (I’m his little sister). He also told me he wouldn’t want to lose me at the hands of depression. Finally, he said I could confide in him at any moment were I to need it.
On a lighter note, lectures today were all about tuberculosis. Who doesn’t like tuberculosis? It’s funny how in med school any foreign person with a cough and nighttime chills equals tuberculosis. Ah, med school can be so politically incorrect.
However, it really impresses me how some lecturers think a 100+ slide PowerPoint can fit into an hour long lecture. It’s impossible and insulting. I’ve only seen one professor do it, ever.