Woke up early to study and so far I’ve wasted my time on sleeping, eating, and internet. I really just want to sleep, that’s all I want to do. Sleep and not wake up.
I’ve been struggling these past few days. All I want to do is sleep. Whenever I feel that way I know things are going downhill. Plus, everything is becoming tedious. Studying is tedious. Taking showers is tedious. Washing my hair is especially tedious. This hasn’t happened to me before.
Thanksgiving was triggering, to say the least. I spent the whole day in a trance while my family enjoyed themselves around me. Smiling hurt. Talking hurt. Moving hurt. It was all too much. I had to take breaks and lock myself in my room every once in a while. My brother, who at that moment did not know I was depressed, noticed I was out of it and told me I looked all alone within a crowd of people. I ended up confessing to him that I’ve been depressed for a year now. Thankfully, he was very supportive (I didn’t expect less of him).
Truly, everything hurts right now. I’m completely out of it. Every time I wake up I feel I’m back in this tedious reality called life. I wonder all the time Why me?. Every day I wish I had the strength to voluntarily hospitalize myself and put med school on hold. All I want to do is help people like myself, but I feel I need to help myself first. It all hurts too much. It hurts so much I can feel it physically. I’m always numb, heavy, devoid of energy, and unable to feel interested in anything I used to like. Again, all I want to do is sleep.
It’s even harder to do all this alone. Sure, I have my family’s support, but I wish I had someone I could be completely honest with all the time. The only people who know I’m depressed are my parents, my brother, one of my sisters, a friend from childhood, and my doctor. I feel I can only talk with two of them, my sister and the doctor. However, my sister lives in another country, so even if I can talk with her, it’s difficult sometimes. And my doctor, well, it’s kind of obvious I can’t talk with her all the time. Then there’s my best friend from childhood, who has distanced herself from me; and my parents, who I feel absolutely awkward talking with. I’m alone.
I wish the pain would just go away. Go away on its own. Every day that passes I feel I’m wasting away my life, and as time goes by I couldn’t care less about it.
All I wish right now is that I could sleep and not wake up.