"Next to nothing, far from over, close to nowhere" (trigger warning)

I’m having a hard time today depression-wise. I simply woke up thinking about death and wanting to stay in bed. At some point during the day I thought I had gotten better, but I realize now that I haven’t. I can feel the heaviness, the numbness, the feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to…and urges to cut my skin. I’m a cutter, I have to confess. It’s not a severe problem, but it’s still a problem. My psychiatrist advised me to wear a rubber band around my wrist and snap it once I get an urge to cut. It’s the first time I’ve tried it, and so far it’s working. She also suggested holding an ice cube in my hand whenever I get the urge, but I personally did not like that coping mechanism.

I had my weekly appointment with the psychiatrist today. It was good, but I felt it was short, like always, (even if it was actually 45 minutes).

We talked about my cutting, and how it used to be a worse problem than what it is now. I have scars, I have to admit, though thankfully the problem has gotten easier to manage and I’ve stopped cutting so deep. The scars were from my darkest moment of depression, during a summer internship I did this year. During that time, cutting was a means of relieving the pain I had inside me. The physical pain was a way of expressing the emotional pain. Of course, it was not a good coping mechanism.

Currently, I tend to get urges whenever I’m stressed, bored, or numb, and I cut very superficially if I do it at all. Right now I’m having urges, and it’s all because I’m stressed and numb, thinking about a test I have tomorrow and don’t feel prepared for whatsoever. It took me a while to identify the reasons for which I cut, but that’s all part of therapy, isn’t it? For anyone who cuts, it’s vital to identify exactly why you do it, because then you can fight the urge during those moments.

I also asked my doctor a question that was bubbling inside my head for a while: “Am I important to you?” She kind of avoided giving me a straight answer, which was what I was expecting either way, but I guess you could say her answer was yes. The reason I asked was because she is so important to me that it would hurt me gravely were I not as important to her. At least from my side, the therapist-patient relationship is very intense, and it would hurt me if it wasn’t as intense for her. It sounds ridiculous (there I go, invalidating myself again), but it all boils down to me getting very attached to her and seeing her almost as a big sister or motherly figure. I’m eternally grateful to this person, I owe her so much.

I mentioned to her my suicidal urges that I had in the morning when I woke up. She was definitely worried, as usual when I tell her that, and she asked me if I needed to be hospitalized. I said no, I was being honest, since the urges weren’t that severe. However, deep down sometimes I wish I could be hospitalized. It would be a way to simply focus on myself and not have to worry about med school. Med school really takes away so much of your life, you’re left with so little to live with and wondering how. You become your books, your laptop…you’re consumed by it all and become this big ball of nothing.

Still, hospitalization is an option that I feel I don’t have right now. I’m unwilling to take a break from medical school. I know it sounds masochistic, but it’s the way I feel. I’m not brave enough to say yes to hospitalization right now. Also, sadly, it worries me how it could affect my career (I know it shouldn’t be that way). 

We also talked about my “mommy issues”, as I like to call them, but that’s a whole other post.

Right now, I’m listening to Band of Skulls. If you’ve never heard of them, you should definitely check them out. 

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