Jitters

I just got out of my Cardiology block exam and I think I either: A) barely passed, or B) tanked the crap out of that one…probably B. To be honest, I don’t care much. That’s one of the perks of depression, you stop caring about a lot of things. Just flunked a test? Don’t care. Didn’t shampoo my hair after a week? Don’t care. Didn’t do laundry? Don’t care.

I have my weekly appointment with my psychiatrist later today, and I feel jittery. I hate how I always get nervous whenever we have an appointment. Fortunately, I know the reason for this. It’s all because I’ve grown ridiculously and pathetically attached to this person whom I barely know. I get jittery because I’m excited, and nervous, and sort of happy all at the same time, all for my doctor.

Unfortunately, though, I don’t know how to fix this problem. I get really attached to people with whom I have a more than superficial relationship with, and my psychiatrist perfectly qualifies for that. It’s all because of the BPD. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships…well there goes criteria #2 for BPD in the Wikipedia page.

In all honesty, it all sounds a bit comical, the profile for BPD. It’s everything but. The reality is that this pattern of intense relationships hurts. And it hurts a lot. You’re almost infatuated with these people you have a special relationship with, but at the same time you’re expecting them to let you down any moment. It truly is heartbreaking, because the moment they do the tiniest thing (think itty bitty) then you think to yourself I knew it, here I am in square one again, when, in reality, that person probably didn’t mean to hurt you. In the case of my doctor, this extends to thinking: She’s going to cancel the appointment at the last minute, she’s going to forget about me. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot. To constantly think you don’t deserve special people in your life, to think you’re unworthy of attention and validation. It hurts to constantly think important people in your life will hurt you just because you think you’re unimportant and insignificant to them. And that’s another reason why I’m jittery. It’s not until I see her calling me to her office that I am relieved she will not cancel our appointment and hurt me.

BPD always wins.

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