Like gum (possible trigger)

For some reason depression reminds me of stretching chewing gum with your fingers. It’s slow and it stretches and keeps going for what seems like an eternity.

Time changes when you’re depressed. You forget days, weeks, minutes…it all becomes a mess of nothing. It becomes this slow, droning voice in your head: “Is today yesterday? 3 months have gone by? I thought it was just a week…” 

It hits you suddenly. The first thing I noticed before being diagnosed was not being able to concentrate…on anything. Classes were a huge mess of words, numbers, days, lectures. Tedious. Suicidal thoughts as soon as I entered the amphitheater each morning I went to class. 

Last week I thought I was in remission. This week I think I’m relapsing. I can barely concentrate. There’s a difference between not studying because you’re lazy and not studying because you can’t. You sit in front of the computer hours on end with your mind blank, nowhere to be found.

Hello, World. Anybody out there?

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2 comments
  1. Arann said:

    I don’t really know how did I end up in here… But reading some of your post reminds me how this year have been going on for me…
    I almost finished first year at med school, I didn’t pass all my subjects tho… This year I was taking those courses and almost all the second year’s courses but I couldn’t handle it for more than ~3 months… Depression won the game, ended up with a psychiatrist and forced to take a break off school…
    I ended up attending a psychiatrists at different times on my teenage without getting any help, just getting diagnosed as chronically depression, endogenous depression and all relateds that you can imagine, with pills that doesn’t work at all or that leave me worse. This year finally I got help, during the break I moved back to home city (I had to move away to attend school) and started therapy with a new psychiatrist and for the first time with a phycologist who seems have fallen from the sky, I got diagnosed with bpd and it all started to make sense after a few days trying to assuming and acepting the situation.
    Things seems to get better but it’s just maybe because I’m not under the school’s stress and away from the focus of my problems and memories (I grew up under violence and a dysfunctional family who lives nearby the campus I was attending). I’m trying to get a transfer to the same University’s campus where I’m living now to resume school but things doesn’t seem to be going well with that and drives me crazy thinking about moving again… I don’t know if I will be able to handle school, starting all over again with a new psychiatrist and phycologist, more over, finding ones that makes me feel okey as those that are helping me now, having the sensation that I would fall down deeper into the hole I was and that suicide would finally win the game…
    Studying have been always my way to survive myself, I left a lot because I couldn’t fight against me this time… I was giving classes, working as assistant into research projects (my dream is working as researcher), people that I met… Everything because I couldn’t keep fighting. But now that things seems to get better, they started to drive me crazy once again, insomnia came back, suicidal thoughts came time to time, fear about loosing what I’ve achieved…
    Sorry by writing this in here but I kinda needed let it out of my head
    Ps: sorry about my English, I’m not native haha

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey there, sorry it took me so long to respond. I’ve been terrible at posting for a while but still paying attention to the blog.

      Your coming forward with what others perceive as a weakness is a strength in and of itself. You’ve been going through a lot, but you’ve taken the right steps to take care of yourself, and that speaks volumes about you. You’re strong and brave. And what’s so bad about wanting help? Or, let me put it another way, what’s so bad about wanting to be happy? 😉

      I’m glad my blog was a respite
      in some form or way for you. Thank you for reaching out. You’re not alone in this.

      Like

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