It’s incredible how having Borderline Personality Disorder distorts your way of seeing things. What you feel about a person or situation one day can change your mood in an instant. You end up incredibly unstable and not knowing what’s true or false.
It reminds me of the song “There, There” by their royal epicness Radiohead (I’m a die-hard fan, can you tell?). One of the lyrics says “Just ’cause you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there”. It’s as though my psychiatrist wrote it. I’m sure I’m not the only one with BPD who struggles daily with this, but the truth is, feelings are not fact, as I read once in another blog. However, I’m still trying to convince myself of that. It’s like I’m banging my head against a wall knowing that it hurts but I still keep doing it.
For example, yesterday I was fearing abandonment from my psychiatrist, that she would get tired of me as a patient (for what reason, I’ve no idea). Today I had my weekly appointment with her, and she did the smallest gestures that already convinced me that no, she’s not going to abandon me, and yes, she cares about me as a patient. Ask me next week and we’ll see if I still feel the same or reverted to thinking she hates me.
Another example…today I had a test with an attending physician at my school’s hospital. I had to take an actual patient’s health history and do a complete physical exam (yeah, they let this nutjob do that, surprisingly). It was my first time doing this absolutely alone, and in between freaking out and being nervous I forgot to ask the patient’s name and age. That’s a big no no, for those unrelated to medicine. As soon as the attending physician corrected me I was thinking he probably hates me, he probably thinks I’ll be a failure as a doctor, I can’t do this…Turns out he told me I established excellent rapport with the patient and gave me A.
The point it, feelings are not fact. We’re constantly thinking people feel what we think of them, but that’s not true. There’s no way knowing, unless you’re in that person’s brain….and that’s kinda messy. Try convincing my little BPD brain of that. My psychiatrist is still trying after quite a few months with her.
So, I just managed to waste a half hour. Now, I’m off to study for my coming test. Yay…smell the sarcasm there?