No purging! Yay!
However, I’ve lost some weight. Not that I’m complaining. I’m just mildly surprised. I’m just letting my body do its thing, but in addition I’ve been skipping some meals. And it has nothing to do with weight control and everything to do with me being a lazy ass that doesn’t want to cook or buy groceries. My kitchen looked like a college kitchen up to 2 days ago.
Meanwhile, I’ve restarted Prozac. Basically for prevention. I stopped it a while ago but was starting to feel in the hole again lately so I restarted it just in case. I have another month of medicine coming up soon so I want to be mentally prepared.
And, I’m studying for Step 3. FML. I hate it and I’m failing hard in the practice questions.
Going to sleep now. I don’t want to work…
So far so good. Knock on wood. Don’t know how many days it’s been but it’s better to not feel the pressure of numbers.
However, I weighed myself at the Russian’s today (I don’t have a scale). The number was a pleasant surprise. A number I hadn’t seen in a while. A low one.
But I don’t intend on doing anything about it. At least nothing extreme. I’ll just continue eating as I’ve been doing recently.
On another note, I was going to meet his mom this weekend. Crazy stuff (me? meet a guy’s mom?!). But it didn’t happen. Mom was tired, I quote the Russian “I think she’s having a little fit because she’s tired”. So, next time. But I’m bummed because I’ve said “so, next time” a few times already. But whatever. Best to just focus on making things good and happy with the Russian (we need it).
Meanwhile, intern year…keeps happening. It’s all become a blur, honestly. It’s weird. I have it very easy compared with other specialties and other psychiatry programs. And yet, I still find things to not like. Then again, that’s my reaction to literally *everything*.
I need to get my groove back on. Been down for too long. Too many things with the Russian, too much “un-inspiration” at work.
Somewhere along the way I stopped focusing on the positives and started focusing on the negatives again. Granted, it’s important to talk about the negatives sometimes, but I’ve been focusing too much on them.
Living without therapy is tougher than I thought it would be.
Yes, that was a play on the 90s song.
Well, tomorrow will be a week since I last purged.
And it feels wonderful to not be in close contact with my vomit on a daily basis. However, it crossed my mind today at lunch. But I was at work so I was able to distract myself.
What I can’t distract myself from, and this is the first (and maybe last?) statement I make of this nature here…is the current political arena and things that are happening. It’s difficult not to talk about that because it shakes me to the core and makes my blood boil, honestly.
I just want whoever is reading this or will ever read this to know, that my blog is a safe place for you. No matter who you are or what’s tormenting you…
No purging. I last purged 2 days ago. So far so good.
But the real test is the weekend. When I don’t have work to distract me from the fullness that’s when things get tough. Work is what distracts me the most, nothing gets close to it.
But omg…the weekend. Please make it start already. I want to sleep and just live my life. Eff work.
Welp. So much for goals. I failed that one. I’ve purged 5 times in a week now.
I guess tomorrow’s a new day.
…is to not purge.
As it is with every week.
I purged almost every day for the month of December. And then I traveled with the Russian for New Year’s weekend and decided “no more” after having an almost purge-free weekend. I can’t deal with this. I don’t want to.
The most I’ve been purge free for now is a few days, still not a full week. I didn’t purge today. That’s 24 hours purge-free. Small triumphs. We’ll see what happens the rest of the week. Unfortunately, I’m not very hopeful.
I don’t want to be eating disordered. And I *know* the only thing keeping me from fully recovering is not dealing with the fear of being fat. Because I don’t want to be fat. Get it? The nonsense somehow makes sense.
I keep running away from it, but I know that’s what I have to work on if I want full recovery.
But it’s terrifying, honestly.
In the meantime, I’ll settle for being just mildly eating disordered.
I know I’ve been terrible. A months long absence. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?
This place feels almost foreign to me. Even the name. “Borderline Med”?
But then I ended up cutting my wrist in a 20mg Ambien-induced state after becoming devastated this past Sunday night and I realized more than ever that the struggle will always be there and I will always have to keep fighting this crap. “This crap” right now mainly being the eating disorder. I hadn’t cut in more than a year I think, wtf.
My mood is fine. Although last week was effed up and it was a wake up call. I have to take care of myself. Which is why this week was better, putting more effort into putting myself back on track.
I’m halfway done with intern year, first year, of residency. That’s pretty insane. But I feel pretty lost and still can’t find my footing in this place, much less this world. I’m in a rut. And it’s my fault. I’ve let myself go.
But mainly I just wanted to update you and ask: if I come back, can we start over?
I’m gonna try my best. I promise.